246. Choose Your Hard: Acknowledge, Appreciate, Allow
Imagine this. I'm at Disneyland, the happiest place on earth, with my whole family. And I open an email from our brand-new accountant telling me we owe a big tax bill on top of the taxes we'd already paid.
I felt like I was about to pass out.
My mind did what it always does when I'm stressed. It jumped right to the worst-case scenario. I want to share what I did next, because maybe it will help you with whatever news you just got.
🎧 Listen to the episode: Choose Your Hard: It's Either Hard to Heal or Hard to Suffer → danisumner.com/ep246
When Your Brain Goes Straight to Worst-Case Scenario
Here's what happened. Our longtime accountant retired, and getting a new one changed a lot. They had to learn how we do things, and we had to learn their way. Suddenly, the way we'd done write-offs for 20 years didn't work anymore. We're self-employed, so we try to pay our taxes on time. Still, we got a surprise.
So there I was, telling myself not to let this ruin our Disneyland trip. Then I got mad at Gary for choosing this accountant. Then I tried to calm myself down, repeating, "we are fine, we are fine."
We were all right and there was no need for us to sell anything in order to pay it, but that wasn't the way it seemed to me in my body.
Everyone who has gone through trauma or has experienced a particularly difficult period understands this: our brains are primitive and tend to adopt the worst possible outcome. Although I've been making a real effort not to live in fear of the worst-case scenarios in all aspects of my life, I was still doing so.
Beneath that there was an old wound. I always lived in a state of lacking—not enough love, not enough hugs, probably not enough protein. I used to set a goal for myself: whenever we had that amount in the bank I would feel fine. When we reached that figure I thought, well, that still wasn't really enough. After that we wanted the house and then something else. That is what is known as a scarcity mindset, and I am still working on healing it.
What I needed to remember was that God owns the cattle on a thousand hills (Psalm 50:10). Since the God who heals people is completely capable of looking after our financial matters, money is a renewable resource and very few things are the end of the world, even those that at the time seemed like they were.
A 90-Year-Old Prayer Warrior and Triple A Faith
A long time ago I picked up a lesson from a kind prayer warrior called Betty. She was in her nineties, had lived through many experiences, and had a great many pleasant Christian expressions. I never found them at all off-putting coming from her since she had truly earned each and every one.
Betty used to say, "You've got to have AAA faith." And the whole thing sits under one umbrella: alignment. Aligned with God, and aligned with yourself.
Get a piece of paper. Here are the three A's.
1. Acknowledge (the hard and the good)
If you've been through any of my programs, especially The Feel Better Journey, you know this one. You've got to acknowledge the crap. We can't bury it in the sand. We can't Christianize it. We have to face it and call a spade a spade, including being honest about the toxic or dysfunctional people in your life. Do that in safe places, by the way. Not on the internet.
The point that we who've gone through difficult times tend to forget is that we also have to struggle to recognise the positive aspects. I had to look at that tax bill and tell myself thank goodness; a large tax bill shows that we have earned money. Even though it was difficult to write that check, it was good news.
Acknowledge how God is making a way. Acknowledge that you are way more resilient and way more empowered than you give yourself credit for.
2. Appreciate (the lesson and the season)
Appreciate the season, even if it’s hard. What are you getting out of it? Pull the thread.
Years ago we didn't have the down payment for a house. We were scrappy and getting desperate. Then a really generous couple offered us a rent-to-own situation and put our rent toward the down payment. We never would have thought to ask for that. I never would have learned that people can be that generous, or that God can provide in a way I didn't see coming, if we hadn't been in that hard spot.
This goes way beyond money. When relationships have gotten hard, who are the good people God brought in? If I hadn't had such a hard childhood, I wouldn't have Jim, my therapist, who has become like a spiritual dad to me. I wouldn't have gone looking for him if I didn't need the support.
You can find something to appreciate in it; it's there.
3. Allow (let God be God)
Allow the good. Allow the rough. Allow it all. When we fight it, it gets harder.
Choose Your Hard
I told someone just yesterday, and I'm telling you now: pick your difficulty—it's either hard to heal or it's hard to suffer.
Healing work is hard. Empowerment work is hard. Dealing with the committee in my head, believing in myself, believing God has more for me? That's real work.
Hi, I'm Dani. I've got a committee in my head. I've been through some trauma. I've got stuff to work through. And I also believe Scripture when it says God is with me. I believe He'll use it all to help others and empower me.
I suffered hard for a long time. Then I decided that if it were going to be hard either way, I'd rather it be hard with purpose. So this is my hard: choosing perspective, choosing appreciation, and refusing to let that committee make me the victim of my own life. I don't want to live under that tyranny.
You have agency. You have choice. You have a future, a purpose, gifting, life experience, and meaning. Childhood insecurity or the people who hurt you don't get the final word. You get to stop abandoning yourself and start listening to the intuition that hears from God. He never takes that away. Life and the kinks in the hose from what we've been through do.
What a Roller Coaster Taught Me About Surrender
Okay. Guardians of the Galaxy. If you've never been on it, I don't recommend it. You're seat-belted into an elevator; they shoot you straight up, it hovers, then it drops. People love this ride. I'm itching my skin just writing about it.
The last time I rode it, years ago, I gripped those handles so hard I pulled a shoulder muscle. I'm not kidding. I got off and told Gary I needed a doctor. I couldn't lift my arm for three weeks. That's how hard I was holding on so I wouldn't fly out of my seat.
This trip landed right in the middle of the tax bill thing. And I'd been having a whole conversation with God about surrender. He was asking, "Do you trust me?" And I was saying Yes, I trust you. But I really wanted to go to Hawaii with that money. So, you know. I trust you, but.
We got to the ride, and I thought, you know what? No one has ever died on this thing. I'm going to let go.
I didn't hold on. I rode the whole thing with my arms out. I screamed (sorry, little kids behind me). Zach and his girlfriend were dying laughing at me. My stomach was in my throat. My booty was off the seat.
And it was the most fun I've ever had on a roller coaster.
I walked out teary-eyed because I got it. Surrender is more enjoyable. Someone is looking out for us. It might get bouncy, and your stomach might end up in your throat, but what's the alternative? To believe there's no one there? We remember the times He showed up. We have to fight for that perspective.
My husband, by the way, is a golden retriever. He doesn't worry. "God will provide," and he means it, and it's that easy for him. I had to work for this surrender. Maybe you do too. That's okay.
Be Still and Go Hands-Free
Surrender is not a pretty walk through the park. For most of us, it's hard. It's not supposed to be easy. But we are resilient people, and we can learn to do hard things.
So here's the whole thing on one line: acknowledge the hard, acknowledge the good, appreciate the lesson, allow God to be God. Then go hands-free.
When we try to hold on and control outcomes, especially with people and situations we don't control, good luck. You're gonna pull muscles in your shoulder and in your soul.
"Be still, and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10). Ride the roller coaster. He will provide in every way.
So let me ask you. What are you white-knuckling right now? What do you need to let go of?
If you're ready to stop holding on so tight and do the healing kind of hard with real support, that's the work we do together in 1:1 coaching. If you feel called to walk others through this kind of freedom, my Life Coach Certification might be your next right step.
I'm in your corner, my friend.
Dani
