You said yes when you meant no. Again.
Everyone else made it onto the calendar, and you crossed your fingers that some time would be left over for you. It never is. And now you're tired in a way a nap won't fix, wondering where you went.
If that's you, I see you, and I want to give you permission to do something that might feel almost rebellious. Put yourself first.
🎧 Listen to the episode: Healing From People Pleasing: Become Unavailable to Self-Abandon → danisumner.com/ep248
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Twelve Trips and a Reality Check
I counted recently. In six months, I traveled twelve times. Retreats, setting things up for my certification, trips to see my parents, client retreats. Gary and I went to Hawaii. Come on. It was all good stuff.
But I sat with it and asked, does my nervous system need that much? No. I don't think I traveled twelve times in the five years before that.
So I'm recalibrating. I'm going to be home and more anchored here. A day with my parents or a local client retreat fills me up. Flying to New York City is an energy drain. I even told Gary I'm not going on a business trip he wanted me to come along on.
It's okay to say no to good things. Just because I have the ability to do something doesn't mean it's my responsibility.
Why We Give Until There's Nothing Left
I know who's reading this. You're the giver. You're the one sacrificing to the point of asking, where's my joy?
We were conditioned to sacrifice and to give to everyone else. Some of that is holy and beautiful. And honestly, some of it was spiritual abuse we're still growing out of: the guilt, the shame, the old conditioning that says you come last.
A lot of us never learned how to prioritize ourselves as kids, because our parents didn't prioritize us. How would we have learned it? I'm not blaming my mom and dad. They gave the best they could. I blamed them for years, trust me. But now I'm a grown woman, and I get to take authority over me. I'm not going to live as a victim of their choices, because they were victims of what happened to them, and I'm not going to keep that cycle going.
So now it's, all right Dani, what do you need?
Maybe some people could handle twelve trips in six months, ongoing. Not me. And I get to honor that without the guilt spiral. That's what healing from people pleasing looks like in real life.
Become Unavailable to Self-Abandon
Here's the line I've drawn: I refuse to abandon myself ever again. That's the honest-to-God truth.
And I want to encourage you to do the same. I've said this before: become unavailable to abandon yourself. Become absolutely unavailable to abandon yourself and to sacrifice yourself to the death on behalf of other people and other things.
I'm talking about emotional death. Death by a thousand cuts. All the little yeses you didn't mean, one after another.
No more death by a thousand cuts for us.
Honor your capacity. Honor where you are emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. That's how you stop people pleasing. One honest yes and one honest no at a time.
Recovery Is a Daily Pill, Not a Magic Pill
Christian recovery is a process. You're taking your power back, finding your voice, and learning to be Holy Spirit led, not guilt-led, not shame-led. It doesn't happen in one afternoon.
Here's a pitfall I see all the time. Someone works with me for three or four months, and they start to feel better. "Dani, I'm so good." Awesome. Then they let off the gas.
Don't let off the gas. This is not a magic pill. It's a daily pill.
I have Hashimoto's. I'll probably be on Synthroid for the rest of my life. There's no one surgery or one magic pill that fixes it. And taking care of you works the same way. Your practices, your maintenance, your time with God. Just because you start to feel better doesn't mean you come off the meds. When you feel better, praise God, thank yourself for being consistent, and keep going so you get to feel better for the long haul.
How to Put Yourself First (Practically)
Build in white space
Think about a web page that's crammed with writing. You click on it and you're instantly overwhelmed. Then you land on one with a picture, a little writing, and room to breathe.
Life is the same way. Walk into a house with pictures covering every wall and stuff in every nook and cranny, and you get sensory overload. You need breaks and pauses, emotionally and physically. A lot of us are healing from the go, go, go, do more, be more striver life. It's okay to just be.
Put yourself on the calendar first
About five years ago I made a rule. The first thing to go on my calendar every month is me. If I don't have what I need, I'm going to be crap to everybody else.
So I block my long mornings and my routine. I schedule my massages and whatever fills up my soul that month. Then family and the things I have to do. Then, for my business, the work that fills me up goes in my best hours: my one-on-one clients, my groups, recording the podcast. The admin stuff goes in last.
For years I did it backwards. I scheduled everything I "had" to do first: volunteering here, Sunday school there. By the time I got to me, all I wanted was Downton Abbey, ice cream and popcorn.
If you work nine to six, okay. Then the hours outside of that are yours, and they need to be your priority. If that weekly group drains you, maybe it becomes monthly. Maybe you let it go. You get to recalibrate what isn't working.
Use your best hours for you and God
Everybody has a window when they feel their best. Maybe it's noon to two because the kids are still at home and that's your one quiet stretch.
Most of us hand our best hours to everyone else. Flip the script. You're a responsible person. You'll get the boring stuff done no matter what, so do it when you feel crappiest. Use your best hours for you and God. Period. Go on the walk, get out in the sunlight, work in your garden, do your watercoloring.
Practice joy on purpose
A client of mine calls her best hours her joy window, and I love it. Some of us are very well versed in suffering, sadness, grief and despair. Joy sometimes falls from the sky, but it's fleeting. Joy is also a practice.
So be intentional. What brings you joy? Notice what it feels like in your body, and tell your body the truth: joy is safe. For those of us who've lived in the weeds for a long time, joy can feel vulnerable, like the other shoe is about to drop. You get to have fun and enjoy your life too, no matter what's going on.
Get it out of your head
If you're a typer and a journaler, try 750words.com. Either way, it works like a brain dump. Once you hit 750 words you get a little confetti party, which my dopamine loves. Sometimes I'm close and I'll type a few extra letters just to get the hit. No one's keeping score but me.
One of my clients had been avoiding journaling for a while. So what does Coach Dani do? Gently and lovingly encourage you to deal with it. She messaged me later and said she'd started her novel and it was the best thing ever. She just needed to get some stuff out.
Reach out on purpose
When we're in our heads or we've got a lot going on, a lot of us isolate. No shame. It just isn't always good for us.
If you're longing for connection, you have to make the first move. Get it on the calendar. Maybe it's the third week of every month, a walk with a few ladies. Start with one thing a month, see how it goes, and adjust from there. It's a dance, not a set of religious rules. Jesus, what do you want from me today? What do I need today?
Then use discernment. Notice how your energy feels afterward, and make sure it's with people who fill you up. If they're Draculas who drain you, you'll never want to leave the house again except for work. Be true to thy own self.
He Wants You Filled Up
"Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart" (Psalm 37:4).
I don't mean that in a frivolous, we're-all-getting-yachts kind of way. This is about alignment. God, what are you calling me to today? What would fill me up? He wants us filled up. I believe that's when we have the most connection with Him.
The lie is that you have to give to everybody else first and then you'll get filled up. Good luck with that. I don't even need the devil to attack me, honestly. I've got the committee in my head from my old conditioning. I've had to retrain myself to believe I get to prioritize me.
And my life is the fruit. When I spend time with God, with my own soul, and in white space, I have so much to pour into everybody else. When I'm drained, I've got nothing for anybody.
Moving Forward, Filled Up
Wherever you are in the year, you get to recalibrate. Grab a piece of paper and ask yourself two questions.
What has worked really well for you lately? Your time with God? Your walks? Your morning routine?
Picture yourself six months from now, feeling great about how you took care of yourself. What are one or two things you'll be so glad you made time for?
Those things go on your calendar first, in your best hours. I'm not going to tell you to finish the year strong. I want you to finish it filled up.
Moving forward doesn't mean doing more. It means you stop leaving yourself behind.
If you're ready to stop self-abandoning and want real support doing it, that's exactly the work we do together in 1:1 coaching. And if you feel called to walk other women through this, my Life Coach Certification might be your next step.
I'm in your corner, my friend.
